April 17, 2012

Recognizing Parental Alienation

Recognizing Parental Alienation

By Robin L. Jessie-Green

When couples separate, it is often due to differences in beliefs, attitude, or opinion, which cause them to grow apart. Even if these changes in relating are amicable, when it comes to deciding what is believed to be in the best interest of children caught in the middle, the most mature parents can be guilty of waging a petty war. As an unfortunate result of vilifying the other parent, children suffer from witnessing the selfish acts of parental alienation that ensue as a ploy for custody.

One parent determined to make the other parent miserable out of spite, takes measures to “brainwash” the child into believing the alienated parent is a bad person.  Those who have personal vendettas against their exes want to cause harm and are successful, often hurting more people than they’d bargained for.  It is forgotten that the child suffers.

According to University of Texas psychologist Richard Warshak, author of Divorce Poison: Protecting the Parent-Child Bond from a Vindictive Ex, as relayed by Mark Teich, author of A Divided House, it is commonly the “emotionally healthier parent who gets rejected” while “the alienating parent craves revenge against the ex, then uses the child to exact that punishment.” However, the alienated parent is not the only person punished during this process. Unfortunately, children are kept away from the parent who can likely provide the most stability and who would not intentionally alienate the other parent.

It is important to differentiate between deliberate and unwarranted parental alienation versus truly protecting a child from abuse or neglect. When one parent intentionally creates an estranged relationship between a child and his or her other parent, for reasons unfounded, that parent may actually be deemed guilty of abuse.

Additionally, other family members may sometimes aid alienators in their actions. In-laws who are not supportive of the change in family structure or who disapprove of the non-blood relative may instigate or participate in alienating the “outsider” parent, further brainwashing and poisoning the child’s mind. This tag-teamed effort would make the false accusations and slander appear as truthful to a child when grandma or auntie back-up the alienating parent.

There are grey areas that also must be considered. “The maligning of an ex need not be conscious-or even particularly extreme-to inflict lasting damage on a parent-child relationship.”(Sweeney; Tiech 2007). When parental alienation occurs inadvertently, due to an alienating parent’s venting, a child may overhear things about the other parent that causes lasting damage.  Unfortunately, the average person can at some point be accused of participating in this type of unintentional parental alienating.

Children see themselves as being comprised of both parents- part of mom, part of dad equals child.  Internalizing the hatred one parent demonstrates towards the other often causes a child to be cautious when showing affection to the parent being alienated.  Additionally, indentifying with or acknowledging similarities with the other parent is no longer a desire because the child does not want to be compared to “the enemy.”

The relationship between a parent and child is sacrosanct. Spitefully severing the ties that bind a parent and child can cause a child to suffer unnecessarily. A child can lose out on developing positive childhood memories shared with the alienated parent. Such lost moments cannot be replaced.

Sources:

Darnall Ph.D., D. (1997), New Definition of Parental Alienation:

What is the Difference Between Parental Alienation (PA) and Parental

Alienation Syndrome (PAS)? PsyCare,

Retrieved from

http://www.parentalalienation.org/articles/parental-alienation-defined.html

Teich, M. (2007), A divided house. Psychology Today, 40(3), 96-96-100,102.

Retrieved from

http://search.proquest.com/docview/214479892?accountid=10004

Bone, M.J.  and Walsh, M.R. (1999 Mar), Parental Alienation Syndrome:

How to Detect It and What to Do About It. The Florida Bar Journal, 73(3),

44-48