April 22, 2025

How to Ask for a Divorce: A Family Law Firm’s Guide to Starting the Conversation

At the Law Offices of Michael Kuldiner, we understand how daunting it can be to even think about asking your spouse for a divorce — let alone say the words out loud. Divorce is not just a legal process — it’s an emotional one, too. And as family law attorneys, we know that how you begin the process often sets the tone for how it unfolds.

Here’s what you need to know if you’re considering having the conversation with your partner.

1. Know Where You Stand Before You Speak

Before approaching your spouse, it’s important to have clarity — not just emotionally, but legally and logistically. Ask yourself:

  • Are you 100% certain divorce is what you want?
  • Do you understand your legal rights regarding property, custody, support, etc.?
  • Are you financially prepared to separate or move out if needed?
  • Do you have a support system in place (friends, therapist, legal counsel)?

A consultation with a divorce attorney can help you understand how things like state-specific laws, marital property, and parenting plans might apply in your situation. Even if you haven’t decided to file yet, knowledge gives you stability and peace of mind.

2. Timing and Setting Matter

Avoid bringing up divorce during a fight or when emotions are already running high. This is a major life moment, and it deserves a calm, respectful setting.

Choose a time and place where:

  • You can speak without interruptions (no kids, phones, or distractions)
  • You’re both calm and sober
  • There’s privacy — this isn’t a conversation for public places or family events

If you fear your spouse may react violently or abusively, your safety comes first. In those cases, speak to a lawyer or domestic violence support professional before initiating any conversation.

3. Use Clear, Direct, and Compassionate Language

How you communicate your decision matters — a lot. Be honest, but kind. Try to avoid blame, and use “I” statements to focus on your perspective:

“I’ve done a lot of thinking, and I believe the healthiest step for both of us is to end the marriage. I don’t take this lightly, and I want to move forward with respect and care.”

Resist the urge to relitigate the past or get pulled into an argument. This is a time to express a decision — not to justify it or defend it in the moment.

4. Prepare for a Range of Emotions

Your spouse may:

  • Be surprised, even if things have been difficult
  • React with anger, sadness, or denial
  • Ask you to reconsider, or threaten consequences

Don’t try to fix their feelings or take responsibility for them. Give space for a natural reaction and try not to engage in reactive conversations. In some cases, it may be helpful to suggest a pause or agree to revisit certain topics with a professional present (like a mediator or therapist).

5. Be Ready to Talk About the Next Steps (At a High Level)

You don’t need to have every detail figured out, but you should have a sense of what comes next, including:

  • Living arrangements: Will one of you move out temporarily? What’s best for the children, if applicable?
  • Temporary finances: How will bills, rent, or mortgage be handled during the transition?
  • Approach to divorce: Are you open to mediation or collaborative divorce? Are you seeking an amicable or contested divorce?

You can say something like:

“I want to handle this as respectfully and fairly as possible. I think working with professionals, like a mediator or lawyers, can help us do this in a way that avoids unnecessary conflict.”

6. Start Gathering Financial and Legal Information

As soon as possible, start organizing the documents and information you’ll likely need during the divorce process. This includes:

  • Bank statements, credit card statements, and loan documents
  • Pay stubs, tax returns, and retirement account information
  • Mortgage statements or lease agreements
  • Documentation of assets (real estate, cars, valuables) and debts

Your lawyer can help you understand what to prioritize and how to protect yourself financially during the transition.

7. Protect Your Mental and Emotional Well-being

Divorce is one of life’s most stressful transitions. You don’t have to go through it alone. Consider:

  • Individual therapy or counseling
  • Divorce support groups (many exist online and locally)
  • Setting healthy boundaries with your spouse
  • Asking friends or family for specific help (childcare, meals, legal referrals, etc.)

The more supported you feel emotionally, the clearer your decision-making will be — and that benefits everyone involved.

8. Consult With a Divorce Attorney Early On

Even if you’re not ready to file right away, speaking with a divorce lawyer early can help you understand:

  • What to expect based on your specific situation (children, property, income)
  • The pros and cons of different approaches (contested vs. uncontested, mediation vs. litigation)
  • How to prepare and protect yourself in advance

In our practice, we aim to reduce conflict, promote fairness, and protect your future — legally and emotionally.

We’re Here When You’re Ready

Ending a marriage is never easy — but staying in one that no longer works doesn’t serve anyone in the long term. If you’re considering divorce, we’re here to provide honest, compassionate legal guidance, without pressure or judgment.

Reach out to schedule a confidential consultation. Whether you’re ready to move forward or just need more information, we’re here to help.